As soon as I found out I was pregnant with Lindsey and the realization that my mom would not be around to see her grow...I knew she would be my patch to repair my heart for when my mom was gone. As a newborn baby Lindsey was loved and held more than most babies. She was held just because she was a baby and she was held for comfort in a very difficult time. Having pictures of all my family holding her and loving her at such an early age was such a blessing. Some times I wonder how I actually survived my moms death and then I look at those big ole blue eyes and remember all the nights just rocking and humming to her because I couldn't sing without crying. All the nights that I just let her sleep on me because it was my comfort too. She was the distraction and a blessing to everyone during the time of the funeral and she was our "patch" for our hearts. Lindsey LOU was there to help us heal. I don't know if she will ever realize how much she helped me and especially Nana...we used Lindsey Lou as our distraction from reality.
I usually don't try and hide my tears from her. I have been crying since before she was born over the pending loss of my mom and then the day she left my life. With all of this Lindsey has such a caring strong soul.
I have always taken Lindsey up to the cemetery with me so one day she will feel the one gust of wind that has hit my face every time I have gone up. So she will understand that for mommy it is a place to cry and be happy all at the same time.
The last time we pulled in to the cemetery Lindsey in her wisdom said "Mommy don't be sad.". I hadn't even started crying or had even said anything. But she knows the little dusty gravel driveway and where it leads too. Yesterday daddy was with us for our traditional trip for me to drop some flowers off before we head back home. We always look for the cows, horses or even the Tu-Tan-Kas (as Rob would say) as we head to the cemetery. It is a beautiful place on a hill looking out to pastures. Well this time the familiar dusty road was ahead and as we pulled in Lindsey said this time "Mom you CAN be sad." Rob asked her what she said and she said "Daddy mommy can cry!" I told her thank you and said yes mommy does get sad but it is okay. The wisdom of this little girl is amazing. One time she came up and gave me a big hug as I wept over my moms grave.
Only a child would have fun at a cemetery. Lindsey ran around picking dandelions and put them on the graves around mom, grandma and grandpa's. She didn't understand why I didn't put my flowers on the other ones so she said "this one is Jesse's and this one is Woody's and this one is...." I guess the whole Toy Story gang will be taking over the cemetery. lol
After Rob and I felt the gust of wind we headed back to the car. As Lindsey was climbing in she yelled "Bye bye Grandma...bye bye Nana!". I know they heard her sweet little voice.
As we pulled away and headed back out the dusty gravel road Lindsey asked "Mommy are you happy now?" I said "Yes baby mommy is so happy she has you and sister and daddy." Even at a young little age she knows the routine and I am okay with that. And hope she will know it is okay to be sad but to reallize all your blessings and live and be happy with that.
