I know my main and ultimate purpose in life is to now raise my girls the very best that I can and love them with all my heart and soul. But I have this pull that I am supposed to have another purpose too. Please don't get me wrong. I love my family and love the fact that I am able to stay at home with my girls and I would never want to change that. I just have always felt I have a purpose that I haven't discovered yet. Even after talking to my cousin who is so dear and close to me I realized that I really do need to figure this out...or maybe I will never. But I honestly can't think that way. It might all be that my mom had so many talents and gifts that I feel could have done so much good to so many people or she could have made a great business out of all those talents. And now she is gone.
I know I am rambling here so bare with me. I have always had a drive in me that is so strong even fierce but I have also always been so scared of failure that many times have not tried things that I knew I would be good at. Rob has been such a good supporter when he has known I needed that extra push to keep going. I have completed a half marathon that I don't think I would have ever done without his support and I am planning on next year doing a full marathon with his support and motivation.
But there is a drive in me and some of it is based on success and a financial success. Not that I am superficial and need all these expensive things.....that is the farthest from the truth. I just need to find what would really drive me to succeed at whatever this is inside of me. I once took one of those long long long questionaires that try and help you figure out what your career path should be. For most people it would be in a general area. For me it was all over the board.....Funeral Director (ummm no way), police officer, financial planner, teacher, construction worker, baker....I mean it was all over the place. I wish I could find the list again because afte I took this test I honestly felt more confused than I did before and I was already confused. Like I told my cousin tonight I am a lot like my mom in the notion that I feel like I am a "Jack of all trades, specialist of none!" type of person.
I just know that my mom's death has such a huge impact on me and mainly my daily life. The main point I keep coming back to that I keep thinking in my head is that you only have ONE life to live and you are living it...are you doing what makes you happy!
After having been unemployed for most of the last two and a half years, I know exactly what you mean! You start thinking about the path you are on and whether or not its the same one you pictured yourself on 10 years ago. All of the "professional" goals I've put into my own head...do they reflect what I'm truly passionate about? If not...WTF am I doing it for?! Financial freedom is nice and translates to opportunities for travel, etc. but do I really want to be punching a clock for 95% of my time and enjoying the other 5%?
ReplyDeleteI start a new job next week that I know isn't a dream job, but I'm hoping to use it to regain the confidence I've lost while unemployed and spend some time figuring out when to just jump...
Congrats on the half marathon!!!
You do have a beautiful family but you have certainly earned some Mary time! Good luck figuring out what to do with it! :-)